With the sound of vuvuzelas ringing in our ears it’s time to wave goodbye to South Africa, albeit from our comfy sofas several thousand miles away, and reflect upon World Cup 2010. It seemed well organised, and it’s easy to offer a patronising tap on the head to the host nation, but was it actually any good?

Let’s face it, few would call the tournament a classic. It started slowly and only rarely moved into high gear. The group stages were littered with draws and one-nils, and star players like Ronaldo, Messi and Rooney struggled to reproduce their club form on the world stage.

Rooney – now sporting a long beard and living in a caravan if that Nike advert is to be believed – was largely anonymous, only waking up long enough to hurl abuse at his own fans. England as a whole were poor, wanting in tactics and lacking in ability. Not good enough. Of course, England weren’t the biggest failures of the tournament – France and Italy filled those roles with aplomb.

Once England were out, the enjoyment levels were raised. But World Cup 2010 was only a feast of football in the sense that there was a lot of it.

Genuine excitement was rare, and mostly linked to controversy. The climax of the Uruguay vs Ghana match – handballs and penalty misses – was particularly thrilling. But much of the fun was linked to poor refereeing decisions, with Frank Lampard’s phantom goal a relatively minor error compared to others that changed the outcome of games.

Spain, the Netherlands and Germany were the best teams to watch throughout the tournament, and deserved their one-two-three placings. But overall there was a real lack of quality. Some may blame the much-maligned Jabulani ball, but the best goal of the tournament, Van Bronckhurst’s 30-yard rocket, proved it could be controlled.

On TV, the BBC expectedly trumped ITV, largely due to ITV’s persistence with the incessant verbal borefest that is Clive Tyldesley. In the studios, ITV’s big signing Adrian Chiles did his jokey bloke thing but was mostly outplayed and out-gagged by the boy Lineker.

The BBC thankfully ditched the incomprehensible Emmanuel Adebayor, and they produced several really good documentary pieces about South Africa, some of which didn’t include footage of an ex-pro gazing wistfully from a Robben Island window. Garth Crooks interviewing Kofi Annan about Paul the psychic octopus was, however, a lowlight.

ITV sacked Robbie Earle after match ticket ‘misappropriation’, although the real scandal was that a TV pundit had been allocated 36 tickets that could have gone to fans. But ITV’s biggest fail was cutting to an ad break on ITV HD and missing Steven Gerrard’s goal against the USA. England fans had so little to cheer that depriving them of that moment was unforgivable.

And Spain went and won it. Deserved to, overall. But it was hardly a vintage performance, in a final where fouls outnumbered chances, closing a tournament that promised much more than it delivered.

Like the vuvuzela, we’ll remember World Cup 2010, but not particularly fondly.

More World Cup stuff:
England: The World Cup Pie Chart of Blame
Football not soccer: Watching the World Cup in the USA
UFWC vs the World Cup: unofficial football heaven
How World In Motion changed English football forever

Football World Cup

If you’ve been at all surprised by the Netherlands’ charge into the World Cup semi finals then you obviously haven’t been following the Unofficial Football World Championships. Understandable, I suppose, as the UFWC is the self-styled most exciting but least well-known international football competition in the world…

But, if the rise in the number of visitors to the UFWC website over the course of the World Cup is anything to go by, combined with a number of interview requests and press features from around the world, interest in the Unofficial Football World Championships is growing fast. If you’ve missed all this, where have you been?

If you have been following the UFWC, you will know that the Netherlands, some say Holland, are the current Unofficial Football World Champions, and have been since November 2008, since when they’ve been on a record-equalling 20-match unbeaten run. Few tipsters backed the Dutch before the World Cup began, but it’s likely that plenty of UFWC followers had their money on them. Except, unfortunately, for me (although, as a very minor form of consolation, I do have them in the Sure for Men last 16 sweepstakes competition, with a big 50 English pounds up for grabs…).

But what is the UFWC? Basically, it’s a simple method of working out football’s champions using a continuous title match system, going all the way back to the very first international game in 1872. Winners of title matches become unofficial champions, and take their title into their next match. All FIFA ‘A’ accredited matches count, including friendlies. So, when the World Cup is packed away into a box for four years, the UFWC carries on regardless.

It’s all pretty simple, and while 138 years’ worth of statistics covering 800-plus matches involving 40-plus teams might seem to to be dauntingly complicated, in fact the UFWC is all about great stories rather than the actual statistics. The continuous and open nature of the competition means that it has involved a series of unlikely champions and unsung heroes, and its lineage represents a fascinating alternative history of football.

A brief glance at the archives throws up the facts that previous champions have included Angola, Israel, Venezuela and the tiny Dutch Antilles islands, and that Scotland have won more title matches than any other nation, and are therefore ranked as the all-time UFWC champions. But, occasionally, the UFWC collides with the World Cup. That’s what has happened in South Africa this summer, and it’s all pretty interesting.

As for my involvement, I ‘created’ the UFWC around 8 years ago (in that I set up the website and wrote an article for FourFourTwo about it), although I can’t take credit for the idea of an unofficial championships. That idea was probably first properly raised by members of the Tartan Army after Scotland beat official world champions England and raised a claim to be unofficial champions.

Aside from giving groups of fans the excuse to make outlandish claims, the UFWC adds an extra dimension to football, particularly during the ‘downtime’ that falls between the World Cup and other major tournaments. The UFWC never stops, and turns otherwise boring friendly matches into must-win international cup finals.

So, when the Netherlands take on Uruguay tomorrow evening, they will be playing for even more than a place in the World Cup final. They will also be playing to retain their title as Unofficial Football World Champions. The winner of the game will take the UFWC title into the WC final. And whoever wins the final will walk away as both unofficial and official champions and holders of a unified title.

Over the course of the World Cup the UFWC has been featured in the Guardian (not once but twice), and in publications from the USA, Australia, Germany (also here, here and here), Austria, Spain, Greece, and lots of other countries that Google Translate can’t identify the language of… It’s also been fun to watch news of the UFWC spreading in various languages via Twitter (although, with hindsight, they could have been discussing something completely different beginning with the initials U, F, W and C for all I know…).

You can follow the UFWC through to the conclusion of the World Cup and beyond at www.ufwc.co.uk and on Twitter (@UFWC_Football). There is also a book, written by me, which is out of print, but is still available from ‘other sellers’ on Amazon. What the hell, while I’m shamelessly plugging stuff I might as well try to hawk some of the UFWC T-shirts which, like the book, I only get a few pennies out of, but every penny counts, right?

Anyway, that’s the UFWC for you. Enjoy the football.

Football UFWC, World Cup

One of the most popular posts I’ve ever put up here was the Newcastle United Pie Chart of Blame and, although popularity is all relative in this rarely visited corner of the interweb, I’m seizing upon the Three Lions’ inept performance in South Africa to present the England Pie Chart of Blame.

Why did England crash so spectacularly out of the 2010 World Cup? There are many factors, individuals and organisations involved, but thankfully the Pie Chart of Blame simplifies a very complicated answer.

Now let me say right up front that international football is not nearly as important as club football. Come on, England jetting home is hardly your side getting knocked out of the Carling Cup is it? So the England Pie Chart of Blame may not necessarily be as seriously considered as the Newcastle United one. Anyway, that said, let’s begin the international blame game…

ITV HD. England desperately needed to get off to a good start at the World Cup, for example with Steven Gerrard scoring in the fourth minute in the opener against the USA. Sadly, if you were watching on ITV, that never happened, as the broadcaster inexplicably cut to an ad break at the crucial moment. A bafflingly bad error, even worse than the BBC’s decision to hire ultra-fast-talking naughty-phone-ringing Emmanuel Adebayor as a pundit.

The Vuvuzela. How to make football more entertaining? I know! Let’s accompany it with a constant, thoroughly annoying drone, like having a wasp stuck in each ear. The novelty plastic trumpet has made watching the games a chore, and surely must have affected the England players’ ears and thus sense of balance. Note to those intending to take vuvuzelas to English grounds next season: you will be less welcome than Michael Barrymore at a pool party.

UK Tabloids. They build ‘em up, they knock ‘em down. White van drivers (and indeed less stereotypical sections of the British public) lap it up, creating a brainless, unfounded sense of optimism, followed by a furious, self-perpetuated backlash. The truth is that a not very good England team did not very good. The media built them into something they weren’t, creating inevitable disappointment. See also that ‘do it for Bobby’ Carlsberg ad.

James Corden. I’ve somehow managed to successfully avoid hearing his World Cup single, but I do know that the only thing that could have made watching 90 minute of England failing to win any worse was following it with 30 minutes of James Corden failing to be funny.

Cheryl Cole. It’s simple – England were good when Heaton’s finest was one of the WAGs, and rubbish after she left ‘love rat Ashley’. Come on, Cheryl, couldn’t you have overlooked your husband’s indiscretions for the good of the country just this one time? (And, granted, all of the previous times?) To be fair, Wayne Bridge’s ex-missus probably had something to do with the whole sorry ‘affair’ as well.

The Germans. No need to mention the war. Or beach towels. Or even penalties. This time the ruddy Hun went and had the gall to be substantially better than us at OUR national game. And to get the benefit of a dodgy goal-line decision, just like we did when we won that World Cup we always harp on at them about. Talking of which…

FIFA. The ball was over the line! FIFA’s refusal to adopt goal-line technology robbed Frank Lampard of a pointless consolation goal. Of course, the disallowed goal was pretty much the only thing that put any fire into the England players’ bellies during the 90 minutes. If it had been allowed they might have played on with even less purpose. Which would not have been much purpose at all.

The FA. For an amateur organisation they seem to get paid an awful lot of money. Any fool knows that English football has been mismanaged for decades. The whole Capello contract saga was ridiculous, but to present any manager with a new contract on the eve of a major tournament is a ludicrous proposition, and will cost them dearly when they hand Fabio his P45.

Fabio Capello. Combats England’s lack of available talent by constructing a robust 4-5-1 system for the qualifiers. Then, for no apparent reason, goes 4-4-2 for the finals. He failed to instil confidence or ideas, made some baffling selection decisions, and refused to change things when they went wrong. Also, there were those pictures of him in his Speedos. Arrivederci Fabio.

The Players. Overpaid and under-enthusiastic. Maybe they would have played better if the FA hadn’t already arranged for their match fees to be donated to charity. The truth is that England doesn’t have as many world class players as it thinks it does. Many of those who shine in the Premier League flopped on the international stage. Several of them have done so for years. Prepare the tar and feathers for the ‘golden generation’. For three lions, read three words: ‘Not Good Enough’.

So that’s England’s World Cup over. Now we can sit back and enjoy the rest of the tournament unfettered by the spectre of disappointing underachievement. Then we’ll be back to proper home grown domestic football. And everything will be back to normal. Except for that bloke sitting next to you with a bloody vuvuzela. And there’s Frank Lampard! He was rubbish in the World Cup! BOOOOOOOOOOO!

Football England, World Cup