After being deservedly demoted from a relatively poor top flight last season, with a raft of sub standard players on the pitch, no manager off it, and destabilising uncertainty involving the ownership of Mike Ashley, few predicted the Magpies would make such a swift return to football’s promised land. Instead, a financially crippling extended stay in the lower leagues was forecast, and the entire future of the club was placed in doubt.

However, instead of rolling over and going to sleep, Newcastle United has fought back and righted a lot of wrongs. And full credit must be given to Chris Hughton and the players. A lot of criticism was flung at them last season, much of it deserved, as the relegation inarguably proved. But they have taken a long hard look at themselves, rolled up their sleeves, and restored their pride.

A major turning point looked to be the shocking 6-1 pre-season defeat to Leyton Orient. Managerless, up for sale, and with any player of value being offloaded, it appeared things couldn’t get much worse. But, somehow, the remaining players came together. A hard-fought 1-1 draw at West Brom on the opening day of the season proved they weren’t about to lie down. And things improved from there.

It hasn’t always been pretty. The team got into a routine of scrapping out results without playing particularly well. A couple of decent acquisitions in the January transfer window added some much needed bodies to the squad, and the quality improved in the run-in. But the quality didn’t matter. All the Toon Army wanted was results. And now they’re back in the big time.

Mick Dennis mustn’t have slept well last night. The Daily Express hack was furious when Newcastle secured promotion, launching a tired and familiar attack on the Toon Army entitled Disloyal Newcastle Fans Still Deluded. Astonishingly, hilariously, Dennis claimed Newcastle fans were disloyal because they had ‘only’ sold 81 percent of their tickets this season.

Newcastle’s average attendance so far this season (before a sold out match against Ipswich on Saturday) is 42,987, the fourth-biggest in the country behind Manchester United, Arsenal and Manchester City, and bigger than the likes of Chelsea or Liverpool. But then statistics can prove anything, such as the fact that 99 percent of fellow journalists think Mick Dennis is a t***.

Dennis conjured from thin air the claim that Newcastle fans were clamouring for the return of Keegan or Shearer or both, and also found time to blame his apparent nemesis Shearer for the club’s decline. The Express website’s Have Your Say comment section was deluged with reasonable responses from Newcastle fans, before being shut down. Clearly it is Dennis who is ‘deluded’, not Newcastle fans.

A quick mention must also be made of Louise Taylor, who covers Newcastle for the Guardian and edits the official Sunderland magazine – a conflict of interests if ever one existed. Taylor seized upon the admittedly disgraceful training ground incident between Andy Carroll and Steven Taylor and attempted to use it to derail the promotion campaign. Hughton had failed to deal with the incident, she argued, and in any case, the team was being run by a cabal of players led by Kevin Nolan and Alan Smith. While there is no doubt some truth that the senior players have worked alongside the inexperienced Hughton to drive the team forward, this was lazy sniping and her ‘journalism’ is best ignored.

I’m not linking to Dennis or Taylor’s pieces here. Instead read George Caulkin in The Times, who regularly offers a much more intelligent and informed view.

So now that promotion has been secured, and rare silverware has been won, what happens next? Despite a fantastic season in the Championship, the squad remains ill-suited for the Premier League. While some have improved, the truth is that many of the players have found their level in the Championship. Certainly, changes will be required.

Following the last promotion campaign, in 1993, then-manager Kevin Keegan ruthlessly dispatched star players such as David Kelly and Gavin Peacock, determining that they weren’t good enough to make the step up to the top flight. Does Hughton have such a ruthless streak? And does he have money to spend to buy replacements?

As always with Newcastle United, next season will undoubtedly be another rollercoaster ride. For now, sensibly, there will be no open top bus parade, no celebrations in the street. Top flight status has been restored, but the reputation of the club still requires some reparation. There is plenty of work to be done to re-establish Newcastle United as a top football club. But allow us a quiet cold drink. The Toon Army are back in the big time.

See more Newcastle United posts here.

The temporary rebranding follows an announcement from the chavwear company’s owner Mike Ashley that the website’s naming rights would be offered in an attempt to raise funds. Ashley has already rebranded the 130-year-old stadium of his once-famous soccer team Newcastle United.

“We will showcase the fact that we are Cluelesswankers until the end of the season,” said company yes man Delboy Lluverley. “We already have tens of thousands of right-minded football fans up and down the country referring to us as Cluelesswankers, so it made sense to apply that branding to our website.”

“We wanted to include the ‘@’ symbol to show how relevant and up-to-date Sports Direct is, and to bring the company in line with scores of now-failed internet cafes that opened circa 1992.”

Sports Direct is currently on course to reduce its net debt to below £400m, and the Serious Fraud Office is yet to bring any charges against Ashley for criminal price-fixing, fraud, and financially crippling Iceland. The country, not the supermarket.

***

Five ways to hit Mike Ashley where it hurts

All proper football fans should be appalled by Mike Ashley’s treatment of Newcastle United, its stadium, and its fans. If this can happen to Newcastle United, it can happen to any club in the country. It’s time to hit Ashley in the only place it will hurt – his pocket.

Here are five ways football fans can metaphorically bloody the bastard’s nose:

1. Don’t shop at Sports Direct. If you desperately need a pair of cheap trackie bottoms, get them from Ashley’s rivals JJB Sports, or M and M Direct.

2. And don’t shop at JD Sports (which Ashley owns 19% of), or Lilywhites, Gilesports, Blacks, Millets or Mambo. And don’t buy anything branded by Umbro, Donnay, Slazenger, Dunlop, Karrimor or Lonsdale. He owns, or part-owns, all of them.

3. Don’t buy anything from the NUFC club shop. That banana away kit is bloody awful, anyway. If you need a football souvenir, visit the nearby Back Page.

4. Don’t buy an NUFC match programme unless you really, really need a Marlon Harewood poster and an exclusive insight into Ryan Taylor’s favourite sandwich filling. Buy a fanzine instead, like The Mag or True Faith.

5. Get your pre-match pint from one of the city’s 100-plus boozers, and get your match pie from Greggs. And Shearer’s Bar is owned by Mike Ashley, not Alan Shearer. Avoid.

More Newcastle United posts.

More importantly, it will further damage this once great football club, and sadden the hearts of its hundreds of thousands of fans. Mike Ashley is no longer a successful businessman, but he is certainly still a f*ddl*st*ck*ng t*gb**t.

I’ve not written about Newcastle United so far this season. That’s because, after 16 years as a season ticket holder, this summer Mike Ashley drove me out of the club I love. I decided not to renew in the hope that Ashley would depart, and with the determination that he wouldn’t take my season ticket money with him. As it transpired, Ashley didn’t go anywhere. So I did.

This was not an easy decision – and it hurt. I felt guilty at abandoning my team, and angry that I was being pushed away. And, of course, I had nothing to do on Saturday afternoons. I spent my season ticket money on Sky Sports HD, but that overhyped emperor’s new outfit hardly filled the void.

Inevitably, I couldn’t stay away for long, and I’ve been back to enough individual matches this season to determine that Chris Hughton’s team, thin in number and talent, is top of the Championship by virtue of the standard of the league being absolutely woeful. Saturday’s Newcastle United versus Doncaster Rovers match was, for long periods, excruciatingly bad, like watching two hungover pub teams. And the worry is that things are going to get even worse.

Perhaps the most surprising thing about Saturday’s match was the attendance – a remarkable 43,949. That’s just 239 less than watched Liverpool versus Manchester United in the Premier League 24 hours later. Newcastle’s home attendances in the Championship this season have averaged 41,251 – well over 10,000 more than any other team in the division, and more than almost every Premier League team with the exception of Man United, Arsenal, Liverpool and Man City.

That’s an incredible show of support for a club that has treated its fans with such disdain over the past year or so. But, ironically, the faithfulness of the fans, and the huge injection of cash they continue to provide, has offered the stability that allows Ashley to stick around.

Yesterday, Ashley announced that the club has been taken off the market. He clearly believes that the team will win promotion, and the value of his hobbyhorse will subsequently rise. Last season he clearly believed that the team would avoid relegation, and that his investment wouldn’t implode. The guy knows less about football than a chimp knows about quantum physics.

Meanwhile, Chris Hughton has been appointed as permanent manager on an 18-month contract. There is no question that Hughton is a decent bloke who has done a more than decent job with the paltry tools afforded to him. But, by his own admission, he is not a manager. He is, however, both cheap and a “yes” man. He will not be kicking Ashley’s door down during the January transfer window, and he’ll continue to toe the party line in press conferences. And he isn’t that pesky Alan Shearer. All good news for puppet-master Ashley.

For the players, the permanent appointment of Hughton is unlikely to inspire greater effort. It seems more likely that they will get out the deckchairs, pipes and slippers. There has been much talk of the team spirit that Hughton has fostered, but he has also abandoned many of the disciplinary measures introduced by Shearer. The players no longer eat together, and are no longer fined for persistent lateness. Injured players are no longer required to attend the training centre for ice baths and extra treatment. No wonder some of the players are happier. No wonder some of them are persistently late and repeatedly injured.

The final insult in Ashley’s announcement was the claim that he will look to sell naming rights for St James’ Park. This is not an out-of-town, flat-packed, identikit arena of the type inhabited by the likes of Middlesbrough, Bolton or Wigan. This is a city centre stadium that has evolved as a hub of its community over more than 100 years of history. Any new name would be ignored by all right-thinking football supporters, and any interested sponsor should think very carefully about the implications of becoming involved in such a deranged scheme.

Ashley doesn’t even properly own the stadium. And he certainly doesn’t own the fans who fill it. What does he own? The contracts of a bunch of overpaid, overrated and unloved players, and a big thick wad of debts. Does that really constitute owning a football club? The fact is that without the fans Ashley has nothing.

The day St James’ Park is renamed the Cillit Bang Arena is the day we should all finally withdraw our support and our money, and leave Mike Ashley to count the cost of destroying one of the world’s greatest football clubs.

Read more Newcastle United posts.
My book about Newcastle United is Black & White Army.

He has had a great innings, enjoying a remarkable 50-year career in football – as a player at Fulham and West Brom, and a manager at Vancouver Royals, Fulham, Ipswich Town, PSV Eindhoven, Sporting Lisbon, Porto, Barcelona, Newcastle United, and as national manager with England, and consultant with the Republic of Ireland.

As a Newcastle supporter, I knew him best for his time as Toon manager between 1999 and 2004. There were some great times, even if there were no trophies. And when his reign petered out, courtesy of a clueless generation of multi-millionaire players, it said more about the sad decline of the game than of the man himself.

A great raconteur, Sir Bobby’s regular after dinner speeches and football talk-ins were legendary – full of humour, honesty, and passion for the game he loved so much. He loved Newcastle United, too, and it must have hurt him so much to see his once-great club reduced to the shambling wreck it now is by men not fit to tie Sir Bobby’s black and white scarf. His funny and moving Lifetime Achievement Award speech at the 2007 BBC Sports Personality of the Year Awards is well worth another watch.

Sir Bobby seemed to be a man who had time for anyone, and his selfless charity work after his multiple cancer battles will have long-lasting effects. Through the Sir Bobby Robson Foundation, established to aid the detection and treatment of cancer in the North East of England, Sir Bobby has done something more important than anything he did in football – he has saved lives.

He was working right up until Sunday, turning up at a charity match to raise yet more money. “WOW!!!! What a fantastic reception I received,” he said in a message posted on his charity website. “It was one of the best nights of my life and I can’t believe how many people turned up to support me and my charity… Thank you all again from the bottom of my heart.”

RIP Sir Bobby, thanks for everything.

Make a donation to the Sir Bobby Robson Foundation

Yesterday, Paddy Barclay in The Times wrote a positive piece encouraging a fan takeover of the club. “Newcastle United supporters suffer more than most from the crocodile-tears technique of journalism, which purports to speak for ‘loyal fans’ who ‘deserve better’ than to spend their ‘hard-earned money’ on an underachieving institution,” writes Barclay. He goes on to chastise those lazy journalists who have built up a misleading media image of Newcastle fans as sobbing, messiah-seeking dimwits. “It is all a caricature, of course,” says Barclay. Hopefully his odious colleague Mathew Syed will take note.

Barclay argues that, if Newcastle United’s true value is £75 million, then 200,000 fans chipping in £375 each would cover the cost of buying the club. A nice idea, but a pipe dream of course. But some form of fan involvement is essential. I’ve argued for a long time that Ashley has never really owned “the club” – he owns the stadium, the fixtures and fittings, and the players’ bloated contracts, but the club is the fans, and Ashley certainly doesn’t own them.

When Sir John Hall floated the club in the early 90s, many fans, myself included, bought shares for £500. Mike Ashley’s takeover saw us sell those shares for around £300. Ashley’s stewardship has seen the club’s value fall by around 40 percent from £134 million to around £80 million. Based on those figures, I would be happy to buy back my shares for their adjusted current value of £177.

With pre-season training starting on 1st July (and season ticket renewals due in by the same day) effective action needs to be taken immediately. Here are five steps to secure the future of the football club:

1. Sell, sell, sell! Ashley needs to get out, and get out quick, but with the best will in the world this won’t happen before the end of the close season. Talk of a Singapore-based group, with a plan for a Barca-style fans’ membership scheme, sounds promising but remains unconfirmed, as is alleged interest from a US investor. Talk of a return for Freddy Shepherd is fairly depressing. But there needs at least to be some light at the end of the tunnel, some cause for optimism, in order to…

2. Secure season ticket renewals. The first step the club might want to take is to actually include season ticket renewal forms inside season ticket renewal packs – many packs have been sent out this week with a begging letter from Derek Llambias but without the necessary form to actually renew. The pack, a fairly pathetic document, features no player photos (for obvious reasons), no hint of optimism, and absolutely no incentive to renew, aside from the usual “it’s your duty” school of thought. Are they relying on blind faith or blind stupidity? Fans need an incentive to renew, and there can be no bigger incentive than…

3. Appoint Alan Shearer. Not because he is the best football manager in the world, but because he is the best manager for Newcastle United. He understands the club and can galvanise the city. He can attract players to an otherwise unattractive club. And he can wield a bloody big axe…

4. Shift the dead wood. Since season ended four weeks ago, Newcastle have paid Michael Owen, whose contract expires at the end of June, £460,000. Add fellow contract expirees Mark Viduka and Caludio Capaca and that figure rises to £780,200. Thankfully, their time on the wage bill is coming to an end. But since the season ended the club has paid Fabio Coliccini, Kevin Nolan, Joey Barton, Alan Smith and Geremi £1,220,000. Almost one and a quarter million pounds on five players who must surely never play for Newcastle United ever again. If these players are still on the books at the start of next season they will have cost over £3 million over the course of the close season. It doesn’t take a financial expert to spot that this needs to be addressed immediately. Of course, it should have been addressed on 25th May, with steps taken to shift these woeful money-drainers out and as far away from Newcastle upon Tyne as quickly as possible. The club desperately needs to stop haemorrhaging money on these overpaid failures, and also needs to fund player acquisitions…

5. Buy well, but buy quickly. Newcastle United are a Championship club, and must abandon all hope of signing big name players. In their last spell in football’s second tier, Newcastle survived and then prospered thanks to the likes of David Kelly, Gavin Peacock and Brian Kilcline – all of whom were jettisoned when the club were promoted to the Premier League. They were the right players for the job, and that’s what Shearer must look for. However, the club must also buy at least one “marquee” player – someone to sell shirts, score goals and get the fans singing his name. In 1993, Kevin Keegan bought Andy Cole to shoot for promotion. In 1982, Arthur Cox bought Keegan to take the club up. Is Jermaine Beckford, transfer-listed at Leeds, that man? Or does Shearer have someone else up his sleeve?

The next few days and weeks will be crucial to the future of Newcastle United Football Club. Further mismanagement at this stage would be disastrous for the team, for the city, and for anyone who holds the club dear.

My book about supporting Newcastle United in happier times is Black & White Army.

Today Alan Shearer will meet with Mike Ashley, and it is expected he will be offered a four-year contract to manage the club on a permanent basis. Last month I presented the Newcastle United Pie Chart of Blame. Ashley himself gobbled up a huge slice of that pie. Shearer has apportioned blame to Ashley and co, but he also jabbed an accusing finger in the overpaid, unfit, incompetent, uncaring faces of the players.

Over the last few months it has been abundantly clear that most of the players did not care if Newcastle were relegated. Several of them seemed to be under the misapprehension that relegation would offer an ideal opportunity for them to jump ship to a ‘big club’. Others seemed to have realised that they no longer have the legs for the Premier League, and relegation with Newcastle will allow them to extend their careers without taking a pay cut.

‘It’s what’s in the dressing room that hasn’t been good enough,’ Shearer said after Aston Villa easily tapped the final nail into the relegation coffin. If he does continue as manager, it must be hoped that there is a quick and thorough clearout of a squad that is scarcely suitable for Sunday League football never mind a Championship promotion push.

Here, then, is the Newcastle United Venn Diagram of Shame. Players are identified by squad number, and sorted by reasons of unsuitability for Premier League football. The bigger the typeface of the number, the more culpable the player. I’ve excused those younger squad members who have yet to make it into the first 11, leaving 25 footballers, 23 of whom fall into the ‘Not Good Enough’ category:

2. Fabricio Coliccini. Signed by Dennis Wise. Cost £10.3 million and earns £70,000 a week, and is an Argentinean international defender, despite not knowing which side of an attacking player to stand on. Stupid Sideshow Bob hair means he can’t head the ball. Makes Titus Bramble look like Bobby Moore. Sell, £4 million.

3. Jose Enrique. Signed by Sam Allardyce, cost £6.3 million and earns £50,000 a week. Started poorly, improved a lot, looks strong in one-to-ones, and likes to get forward. But always bloody injured. Sell, £2 million.

4. Kevin Nolan. Signed by Joe Kinnear / Dennis Wise. Cost £4 million and earns £50,000 a week. Disgracefully unfit, this guy has the turning circle of a bendy bus. Only 27, but, as Bolton fans knew very well, already finished as a footballer. How did a player who had become a laughing stock at Bolton over his last 18 months at the club warrant a £4 million price tag? How did he pass a medical? Who is his agent and what links does he have to decision makers at St James’ Park. Someone needs to take a very close look at this transfer. It stinks like Boumsong. Sell, £1 million.

6. Cacapa. Terrible defender, arrived on a free transfer because no one else wanted him, yet was offered 50 grand a week. Contract has expired, thankfully. Contract expired, free.

7. Joey Barton. A disgrace. Signed by Allardyce for £5.8 million, on £65,000 a week, barely played due to suspensions, and when he did play offered nothing but scraps. Should have been sacked over a year ago for repeated trouble making and law breaking, instead has been left to do nothing but bring shame to the black and white shirt. A horrible man. Sell, £1 million.

8. Danny Guthrie. Still 22, showed sparks of ability before being dumped out on the wing where he floundered. Could make an impact in the Championship as a possible replacement for Nicky Butt. Retain.

9. Obafemi Martins. Cost £10 million and earns £80,000 a week. Never gave a rat’s ass about Newcastle United, as demonstrated by his repeated failure to come back from international duty on time. Has great pace, but wastes chance after chance from close range. Will believe he will be rescued by a top flight club, possibly abroad, but isn’t good enough to command high wages anywhere else. Sell, £4 million.

10. Michael Owen. Cost £16 million and earns a disgraceful £115,000 a week. A sad, pale shadow of his former self, Owen’s latest run of injuries have finally finished this lad’s top-flight reputation and career. Never again will there be a debate when he is left out of an England squad – he will never play for his country again. A free agent, he would be best advised to ‘retire’ to the MLS. Contract expired, free.

11. Damien Duff. Cost £5 million, earns £70,000 a week. Showed willing in the last few weeks of the season, probably when he realised he will never again get the chance to play in the Premier League, but it was far too little, far too late. As slow as a boulder, he can no longer play as a winger, but Chelsea knew that four years ago. Sell, £1 million.

12. Sebastian Bassong. 20 years old, and United’s best player this season, apparently earning ‘only’ £5,000 a week. Too good for the championship and sadly will be poached by a top flight club. Reluctantly sell, £6 million.

13. Steve Harper. A good shot-stopper, but lack of first team experience during ‘the Shay Given years’ has shown. Reluctant to come for crosses, kicking is poor, and loves to tip catchable shots over the bar. Many fans would like to see 21-year-old reserve keeper Tim Krul start the Championship campaign, but Shearer’s 34-year-old golf partner will probably keep his berth. Retain.

15. Ignacio Gonzalez. Arrived on loan injured, remained injured, contributed nothing. Loan period now expired. So we paid his wages while he recuperated for another club. A baffling acquisition. Loan contract expired.

16. Ryan Taylor. Sunday League player signed on the basis that he managed to scored four goals in consecutive games against United for Wigan. No-one seemed to notice that he had only scored 6 goals in his entire Wigan career. Apparently a dead ball expert, he has so far failed to hit the target from a single free kick, or to bypass the first defender from a corner, while playing in black and white. Not good enough for the Championship. Sell, £1 million.

17. Alan Smith. Signed for £6 million, on £60,000 a week, and has so far cost the club more than half a million per game he has managed to play. Is he a striker or a midfielder? In truth, probably neither. When not injured, he spends most of his time on his backside. Legend has it that, before taking the helm at Newcastle, Alan Shearer made quite a bit of money by betting on Alan Smith to be booked in every game he played. No good, needs to be moved on. Sell, £1 million.

18. Jonas Gutierrez. Another Argentinean signed by Dennis Wise. Did Wise pick up Gutierrez and Coliccini on his way home at the airport in order to justify another club-sponsored trip to South America, in the way a holidaymaker might pick up a sombrero or bottle of tequila? Gutierrez is an attacking player who can’t score goals, can’t create them, has no pace, and is unable to put a cross in. Effort dwindled with Newcastle’s league position. He earns £60,000 a week. Sell, £1 million.

19. Xisco. The Dennis Wise signing that made Kevin Keegan snap – £5.8 million and £50,000 a week, and has made three appearances. Real name is Jimenez, just like Wise’s scouting cohort Tony, although surely that is a coincidence. Sell, £1 million.

20. Geremi. Signed by Allardyce on £60,000 a week, despite Sir Bobby Robson warning Allardyce that Jose Mourinho had told him Geremi’s legs had gone. Mourinho was right. This signing should be rammed down Allardyce’s throat every time he appears on TV pontificating on why United are in the position they are in. Virtually immobile, Geremi should retire. Unfortunately, he has another year left on his contract. Free transfer.

21. Habib Beye. A solid and versatile defender, and one of the few Toon players to offer ability and effort. Hampered by injury, and probably too good for the Championship. Reluctantly sell, £3 million.

22. Nicky Butt. Can’t be faulted for effort, but struggled in the second half of the season. May well be an expensive squad player next season on £50,000 a week, but his experience is likely to be valuable. Retain.

23. Shola Ameobi. Poor Shola has become a bit of a laughing stock, and his fragile confidence has been no match for the barracking of the boo boys. Unlike the previous managers, Shearer knows the lad – now 28 – isn’t good enough. Time to go, if a buyer is daft enough. Sell, £1 million.

24. Peter Lovenkrands. Showed plenty of effort, and might well be good enough for the Championship, although his short contract has expired. Probably worth re-signing for another year. Contract expired.

27. Steven Taylor. If only he was half as good as he thinks he is… But at least he has heart, and, with a cool head alongside him, could star in the Championship. Retain.

30. David Edgar. Has looked a decent defender when sighted, despite rarely getting the chance to operate in his favoured central position. Still learning his trade. Retain.

36. Mark Viduka. On £80,000 a week – some retirement plan for a man who has been perpetually injured. Great touch and finishing ability mean nothing when you are as immobile as Ayers Rock. Contract has expired, and he should fulfil his promise to return to Oz. Release.

39. Andy Carroll. A trier, and there will probably be a place for him in the Championship. Has already scored goals at football’s lower levels during loan periods, and his aerial ability might come in handy next season. Retain.

Taking the above actions would see just five players retained and bring in £27 million. Crucially, it would slash the club’s wage bill. Shearer – if he is to stay – would then be tasked with rebuilding the squad with younger, fitter, better players. Such a huge rebuilding job over one summer looks an impossible task, but few Newcastle fans will want to pay to watch the likes of Nolan, Smith, Geremi et al flounder in the Championship. The clearout starts today.

See the original Pie Chart of Blame, an assessment of Shearer’s Mission Impossible, a look at a club on the brink, why Shay Given’s departure meant United lost more than a keeper. My book, about supporting the Toon in happier times, is Black & White Army.

Of course it has all been downhill since Kevin Keegan and then Kenny Dalglish led the club to two consecutive second-place Premier League finishes in 1996 and 97. But the depths the club finds itself wallowing in now can be traced back to 2004, and the departure of Bobby Robson.

It’s one of the many baffling myths associated with Newcastle United that Robson was sacked when the club were 5th in the league. In fact they were 16th, and Robson, struggling to deal with a squad full of brats and prima donnas, probably had to go. Unfortunately, the club did not have a suitable replacement lined up, and that is where our blame game begins…

Freddy Shepherd. Dismissed Robson without a suitable replacement, then appointed Graeme Souness – a man said to be days away from the sack at struggling Blackburn. Subsequently appointed Sam Allardyce. Backed his managers with transfer funds, but racked up crippling debts, paying cash for purchases but accepting instalments on sales, and failing to ensure players’ contracts had crucial clauses such as those that would allow pay cuts on relegation.

Graeme Souness. Disassembled Bobby Robson’s Newcastle just as he had disassembled Kenny Dalglish’s Liverpool, but the self-styled hard man failed to deal with troublemakers like Kieron Dyer and Lee Bowyer. Made a series of terrible signings – Jean Alain Boumsong, Amady Faye et al – and plunged the club into mediocrity. Won just 16 out of 56 Premier League games.

Glenn Roeder. Made a fist of things during his first few months in charge, with Alan Shearer alongside him for support, but crumbled the following season. Still has a better win ratio than any other manager since Robson.

Sam Allardyce. Brought in scores of coaches and sports scientists, but no good players. Today’s squad was shaped, in many ways, by Sam Allardyce. Showed arrogance bordering on bloody-mindedness by making the same mistakes match after match, and the team moved from mediocre to pathetic. Won only a third of his Premier League games.

Mike Ashley. Rightly sacked Allardyce and appointed Keegan, but then failed to back his manager with transfer funds. Appointed Derek Llambias to run the club, and Dennis Wise to recruit players. Backed Wise over Keegan on transfers, precipitating Keegan’s walk-out. Appointed the inadequate but largely blameless Joe Kinnear, then failed to back him in the transfer market. Delayed replacing Kinnear when he became seriously ill, leaving the club managerless for two months until the temporary appointment of Alan Shearer.

Kevin Keegan. Difficult to attribute any blame to KK, but, whatever the circumstances, he did walk out on his job, and the club would not be in the position they are in now had he knuckled down and got on with things.

Joe Kinnear. Was never the right man for the job, and it showed – he won just 4 out of 19 Premier League matches before being sidelined by illness. But he was handed a poisoned chalice, and can’t take much blame.

Derek Llambias. No relevant experience when it comes to running a football club, but Ashley must shoulder the blame for that. Unknown how much input he had into Ashley’s bad decisions. Got the club’s PR stance very wrong, but was saddled with a very difficult job.

Dennis Wise. Brought in to sign world beaters. Signed Coliccini (for £10 million), Xisco, Gonzales, Nolan, Taylor… Got a few all-expenses trips to Brazil and £1.5 million pay off out of it, so not a complete waste of time then.

The Players. Not all of them, of course. The likes of Nicky Butt, Steve Harper and Habib Beye don’t deserve any criticism, nor do the youngsters trying to learn their trade in difficult circumstances, but the remainder of the senior squad can largely be divided into three categories: Not Good Enough, Not Committed Enough, and Not Fit Enough. They don’t deserve the support they continue to receive.

So what does the future hold for Newcastle United? The best case scenario would be a consortium buying the club, removing Ashley and Llambias, appointing a capable manager, and clearing out much of the playing squad. Even if that does happen, a recovery for this club could take years. Those named above must shoulder the blame – the pie does not lie.

[UPDATE 26/05/09: View the NUFC Venn Diagram of Shame]

My book, about supporting Newcastle United in happier times, is Black & White Army.

The most common criticism of the appointment has been that Shearer has no managerial experience, and has yet to obtain his pro coaching licence. Those making this point presumably believe that top flight managers still run around in polyester tracksuits with whistles and medicine balls.

A lack of managerial and coaching experience is irrelevant here. Shearer knows the game inside out, and more importantly he knows everything there is to know about Newcastle United. In any case, the eight-game period he has left to save the club from relegation offers too little time to get around to ‘real’ management.

All he really has time for is to administer a hefty kick up the collective arse of a lacklustre playing squad – something that reports from his first training session suggest he was very quick to do. Shearer’s appointment has already galvanised the fans. If it can galvanise the players, the club might just have half a chance of survival.

Another criticism has been that Newcastle United are yet again appointing another manager instead of sticking with their current one, a tactic that has backfired so many times in the past. But Newcastle’s current manager is in a sick bed. And let’s not mince words here – Joe Kinnear’s record before his illness was shockingly bad, and Chris Hughton’s record as caretaker has been even worse.

In any case, you cannot hope to fight relegation without a manager. The club was in freefall, never looking like winning a game. At the very least, the club’s chances of surviving relegation are now better than they were 48 hours ago.

But, even if Shearer is the right man, has his appointment come too late? I’d have to say that it probably has. If Newcastle fail to get anything from their match with Chelsea on Saturday, the club could be five points adrift, and that might prove to be too big a gap to close.

The possibility of relegation seems only to have dawned on Mike Ashley and co in the last few days, despite many fans issuing SOS calls since January. This is hardly hindsight talking – the club has been managerless for two months, and rudderless for much longer.

If Shearer’s appointment was unexpected, the resulting anti-Newcastle reaction was anything but. Phone-ins and message boards were clogged with furious anti-Geordie and anti-Shearer sentiments, mostly of the well-worn and ill-informed ‘why do Newcastle fans think they are so special?’ variety.

One such avenue for outrage was Nicky Cambell’s excrutiating Breakfast Phone-in on 5Live. A succession of callers queued up to vent their frustrations at Newcastle fans and the media coverage that they apparently crave. ‘They don’t have a right to be a great team. They’ve won nothing. And yet here you have a radio programme about… well, Geordies.’ Conspicuous by their absence from the proceedings were any actual Newcastle fans.

When local fanzine editor Steve Wraith explained how the media, particularly Sky’s David Craig, manipulate the view of fans to suit their agenda, the phone-in took a far more interesting turn, culminating with former Newcastle chairman Freddie Shepherd memorably chastising a caller via a mobile phone from an airport baggage claim. (‘It’s easy for you to pick on things. What do you do? Nowt probably. Nothing. Anyway, I’ve got to go and get me luggage off the carousel. Cheers. Beeeeeeeep.’) You can listen to the phone-in for the next few days via the BBC iPlayer.

The fact is that the media representation of Newcastle fans is generally that of the so-called bedsheet brigade who, for one reason or another, spend their days hanging around St James’ Park. The fact that this motley collection of truants and unemployables are taken by the media to represent the general consensus of Newcastle fans is troublesome – and extremely lazy journalism.

If they were covering a political story would the media interview a kid wagging school or, as on last night’s BBC Look North, a woman who appeared to have severe mental problems? The fact is that the majority of Newcastle supporters do not hang about outside St James’ Park because – and this might come as a shock to some of the southern media – they have jobs.

Newcastle fans aren’t any different from any other set of fans, and the vast majority of them don’t claim to be. The media often like to claim otherwise, because it makes for a good story.

Newcastle United have no divine right to stay in the Premier League. In fact, on the basis of the last 30 games, they deserve to go down. But ten or twelve points from the last eight games might change that. If Shearer can inspire a battling run-in, they might just have done enough to deserve to stay up.

My book about supporting Newcastle United in happier times is Black & White Army.

Realistically, in order to have a chance to beat the drop Newcastle need to win all of their last three home fixtures against Portsmouth, Middlesbrough and Fulham. But Newcastle have only won four home games all season, failing to beat the likes of Stoke, Sunderland, West Ham, Man City, Blackburn, Wigan… Relegation is anything but ‘inconceivable’.

The Llambias comments were made as part of a PR offensive with local press and radio, presumably intended to get the fans back onboard the Ashley regime’s sinking ship. The problem that local reporters have is that they rely on the club for access to the press conferences and interviews that are their daily bread and butter, so all too often they toe the party line. As a result, the Llambias interviews were nothing more than puff pieces.

So Llambias was not challenged on his comment that relegation was inconceivable, nor on his claim that Newcastle’s squad is up there with the best in the league. At no point was Llambias asked, for example, ‘Can you explain your rationale for going into a relegation battle without a manager?’ Or, ‘What qualifications or experience make you the right man to run one of the biggest football clubs in the country?’

Comparisons with the Titanic are easy to make, but nonetheless appropriate. The only difference is that Captain Smith was actually onboard the Titanic, and not trying to steer the thing from his sick bed. Joe Kinnear was hospitalised six weeks ago, on the morning of the match against West Brom. There followed a ten-day international break – the perfect opportunity for the club to appoint a new manager, if only until the end of the season.

Let’s hope Joe Kinnear makes a full and swift recovery – he seems like a decent, and certainly honest, man. But, with the best will in the world, he was not suitable for the Newcastle United manager’s job. His record before his illness shows just 4 wins in 21 games. Kinnear had accumulated more FA charges than victories, and his habit of spouting guff at press conferences was nothing short of embarrassing. Yet Kinnear claims to have a new contract waiting on his desk for him to sign, and Llambias has said that Joe is the man to lead the club forward.

Chris Hughton, left holding the reins during Kinnear’s absence, has already signed a new contract. His win ratio is similar to Kinnear’s, having won just one out of five. But Hughton, like any caretaker manager, has a thankless task. Who selected Saturday’s inept midfield pairing of Geremi (a man who treads so much water he must surely have trenchfoot) and Alan Smith (who is so often on his backside it seems a waste to give him boots)? Hughton is dealing with a squad of overpaid underachievers, and nobody knows who’s in charge.

Kinnear is apparently due back soon, but, realistically, will that make a jot of difference? I wrote in January that if Newcastle go down they will struggle to come back up. Too big to go down? If you believe that, you’re kidding yourself. The bigger they are, the harder they fall.

My book, about supporting Newcastle United in happier times, is Black & White Army.

Given will be sold to City within the next day or two for a fee that can’t match his value as the Premier League’s best shot stopper. And when the inevitable happens Newcastle will have lost more than just a goalkeeper.

Given leaving Newcastle is the Geordie equivalent of the ravens leaving the Tower of London. Over 11 years he has been, give or take Alan Shearer, the club’s most valuable player. Shoddily protected over the years by scores of inept defenders, Given has had plenty of practice, and his goalkeeping prowess has probably earned more points for his club than the strikes of any top forward could. He has been a wonderful player. But more that that, Given has been at the very heart of the club for those full 11 years. 

With a proper work ethic and a Lazarus-like ability to overcome injury, Given has been the ’consummate professional’, but was nonetheless unafraid to occasionally stick his head above the parapet to voice concerns about squad weaknesses and other issues that were playing on the minds of fans. And Given was a fan – that was evident to anyone who might have compared his post match reactions to some of his teammates. His family were happy and settled on Tyneside. He had become a Geordie. And now he is leaving because he has had enough. The Toon Army knows exactly how he feels.

Bearing in mind all of the turmoil and disappointment he has been through at the club, the fact that Given can stand no more says much about the club’s present position. Given knows as much as anyone about the inner workings of Newcastle United, and his leaving confirms he sees no rescue in sight, no light at the end of this tunnel.

Ironically, Given’s playing position is perhaps the only one on the field that Newcastle have adequate cover for. Steve Harper has been at the club even longer than Given, and he’s a good keeper, despite obviously lacking the first team experience of his mate. But what else does the club have?

Michael Owen is injured again, his Newcastle career effectively written off having cost something like £1 million per goal. Nicky Butt has the head for a relegation battle, but perhaps not the legs. Obafemi Martins has been injured almost as often as Owen. If Steven Taylor was half as good as he thinks he is, that would be about twice as good as the reality. Youngsters Bassong, Guthrie, Carroll and Edgar might show promise, but the task of saving this football club can hardly be placed on their shoulders. What’s left? Washed up pros like Geremi, Duff, the returning Smith and the early-retired Viduka have consistently proven that they are not up to the task. Newcastle’s squad is the weakest it has been for almost 20 years, and this season it might prove to be the weakest in the Premier League.

Back in September I wrote at The Times Online about the fallout after Kevin Keegan’s resignation. There was much anger in the air, and I tried to point past the so-called ‘bedsheet brigade’, with their anti-Cockney banners that so infuriated parts of the media. The Times itself had the audacity to blame Newcastle fans for their club’s failings. I pointed out that the fans are the only thing the club has left. That remains true, but, worryingly for the future of the club, anger has now turned to apathy. Ticket sales are tumbling, with even the regular travelling hardcore of thick-and-thin fans seeking alternative entertainment. Like Shay Given, the Toon Army has had enough.

Can anything be done? In spite of 40 years of mismanagement, the buck for the current situation stops squarely with Mike Ashley. He failed to appease Kevin Keegan (and Keegan’s relative success with the squad outlined above should be enough to prove that he was the right man for the job), instead backing Derek Llambias and Dennis Wise, neither of whom has contributed anything remotely positive to Newcastle United’s cause. Wise, specifically tasked with the recruitment of new players, has spectacularly failed. Of his signings, only two frustratingly inconsistent Argentinians have become first team regulars.

And then Ashley appointed Joe Kinnear, a man so ill-suited to the role it seems cruel to criticise him.

When Ashley took the club off the market he declared an interest in rehabilitating himself at the club. It might have been possible, had he replaced Llambias and Wise, appointed a real manager, and backed that manager in the transfer window. He did nothing, and as I write there are less than three days of that transfer window left.

If Newcastle are relegated they will be ill-suited to bounce back. Unlike, say, a West Brom or a Stoke, they will not be able to retain their core squad, regroup and have another go. The club’s huge outgoings will hang heavy around its neck. Players will leave, fans will drift away, money will be lost.

Newcastle play local enemies and relegation rivals Sunderland on Sunday. If, as is quite possible, Newcastle fail to win the game it will be interesting to see if apathy turns once again to anger. But by then it might be too late. Newcastle United are heading into the wilderness, and it could be a long, long way back.

[UPDATE 03/02/09: Shay Given did sign for Man City, and Charles Insomnia went to Wigan, with Kevin Nolan and Ryan Taylor coming in, and Mike Ashley making an £8 million transfer window profit. Newcastle failed to beat Sunderland - the match ended 1-1. Today George Caulkin in The Times echoes many of the sentiments raised above.]

My book, about supporting Newcastle United in happier times, is Black & White Army.