Sports Direct have confirmed that their website will be renamed “Cluelesswankers @ Sportsdirect.com” until the end of the football season.

The temporary rebranding follows an announcement from the chavwear company’s owner Mike Ashley that the website’s naming rights would be offered in an attempt to raise funds. Ashley has already rebranded the 130-year-old stadium of his once-famous soccer team Newcastle United.

“We will showcase the fact that we are Cluelesswankers until the end of the season,” said company yes man Delboy Lluverley. “We already have tens of thousands of right-minded football fans up and down the country referring to us as Cluelesswankers, so it made sense to apply that branding to our website.”

“We wanted to include the ‘@’ symbol to show how relevant and up-to-date Sports Direct is, and to bring the company in line with scores of now-failed internet cafes that opened circa 1992.”

Sports Direct is currently on course to reduce its net debt to below £400m, and the Serious Fraud Office is yet to bring any charges against Ashley for criminal price-fixing, fraud, and financially crippling Iceland. The country, not the supermarket.

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Five ways to hit Mike Ashley where it hurts

All proper football fans should be appalled by Mike Ashley’s treatment of Newcastle United, its stadium, and its fans. If this can happen to Newcastle United, it can happen to any club in the country. It’s time to hit Ashley in the only place it will hurt – his pocket.

Here are five ways football fans can metaphorically bloody the bastard’s nose:

1. Don’t shop at Sports Direct. If you desperately need a pair of cheap trackie bottoms, get them from Ashley’s rivals JJB Sports, or M and M Direct.

2. And don’t shop at JD Sports (which Ashley owns 19% of), or Lilywhites, Gilesports, Blacks, Millets or Mambo. And don’t buy anything branded by Umbro, Donnay, Slazenger, Dunlop, Karrimor or Lonsdale. He owns, or part-owns, all of them.

3. Don’t buy anything from the NUFC club shop. That banana away kit is bloody awful, anyway. If you need a football souvenir, visit the nearby Back Page.

4. Don’t buy an NUFC match programme unless you really, really need a Marlon Harewood poster and an exclusive insight into Ryan Taylor’s favourite sandwich filling. Buy a fanzine instead, like The Mag or True Faith.

5. Get your pre-match pint from one of the city’s 100-plus boozers, and get your match pie from Greggs. And Shearer’s Bar is owned by Mike Ashley, not Alan Shearer. Avoid.

More Newcastle United posts.

Paul Football