A 200-word micro-preview of the 2012/13 Premier League season:

1. All eyes on Mario Balotelli
Whether you think he’s a legend or a liability, Super Mario is the one Premier League player you can’t afford to take your eyes off. He’s guaranteed to do something bonkers or brilliant or both, and this season will most probably score a goal while flying around the Etihad on a jetpack or something equally mindblowing.

2. Jim White to spontaneously combust
Sky Sports’ most excitable presenter, Jim ‘Deadline Day’ White, will literally explode five minutes before the transfer window closes on 31 August, bursting into flames like a kitten in a microwave upon hearing of a ‘quite incredible’ loan deal involving Jay Bothroyd or some other goal-shy millionaire.

3. Goal-line technology will ruin football
The long called-for goal-line technology is set to be introduced in the Premier League as early as December, and we’ll all be calling for it to be scrapped by January. One of the proposed systems relies on 25% of the ball being visible to its cameras, suggesting it will be rendered entirely useless by the average goalmouth scramble.

4. It won’t be as good as last season
An amazing ultra-last-gasp finish helped crown 2011/12 as the best ever Premier League season. It had heroes and villains, triumph and failure, drama and controversy, brilliant goals, fantastic matches, AND the Anfield cat. There is absolutely no chance 2012/13 will be as good.

5. Actually, it probably will

Paul Football