One of the most popular posts I’ve ever put up here was the Newcastle United Pie Chart of Blame and, although popularity is all relative in this rarely visited corner of the interweb, I’m seizing upon the Three Lions’ inept performance in South Africa to present the England Pie Chart of Blame.

Why did England crash so spectacularly out of the 2010 World Cup? There are many factors, individuals and organisations involved, but thankfully the Pie Chart of Blame simplifies a very complicated answer.

Now let me say right up front that international football is not nearly as important as club football. Come on, England jetting home is hardly your side getting knocked out of the Carling Cup is it? So the England Pie Chart of Blame may not necessarily be as seriously considered as the Newcastle United one. Anyway, that said, let’s begin the international blame game…

ITV HD. England desperately needed to get off to a good start at the World Cup, for example with Steven Gerrard scoring in the fourth minute in the opener against the USA. Sadly, if you were watching on ITV, that never happened, as the broadcaster inexplicably cut to an ad break at the crucial moment. A bafflingly bad error, even worse than the BBC’s decision to hire ultra-fast-talking naughty-phone-ringing Emmanuel Adebayor as a pundit.

The Vuvuzela. How to make football more entertaining? I know! Let’s accompany it with a constant, thoroughly annoying drone, like having a wasp stuck in each ear. The novelty plastic trumpet has made watching the games a chore, and surely must have affected the England players’ ears and thus sense of balance. Note to those intending to take vuvuzelas to English grounds next season: you will be less welcome than Michael Barrymore at a pool party.

UK Tabloids. They build ‘em up, they knock ‘em down. White van drivers (and indeed less stereotypical sections of the British public) lap it up, creating a brainless, unfounded sense of optimism, followed by a furious, self-perpetuated backlash. The truth is that a not very good England team did not very good. The media built them into something they weren’t, creating inevitable disappointment. See also that ‘do it for Bobby’ Carlsberg ad.

James Corden. I’ve somehow managed to successfully avoid hearing his World Cup single, but I do know that the only thing that could have made watching 90 minute of England failing to win any worse was following it with 30 minutes of James Corden failing to be funny.

Cheryl Cole. It’s simple – England were good when Heaton’s finest was one of the WAGs, and rubbish after she left ‘love rat Ashley’. Come on, Cheryl, couldn’t you have overlooked your husband’s indiscretions for the good of the country just this one time? (And, granted, all of the previous times?) To be fair, Wayne Bridge’s ex-missus probably had something to do with the whole sorry ‘affair’ as well.

The Germans. No need to mention the war. Or beach towels. Or even penalties. This time the ruddy Hun went and had the gall to be substantially better than us at OUR national game. And to get the benefit of a dodgy goal-line decision, just like we did when we won that World Cup we always harp on at them about. Talking of which…

FIFA. The ball was over the line! FIFA’s refusal to adopt goal-line technology robbed Frank Lampard of a pointless consolation goal. Of course, the disallowed goal was pretty much the only thing that put any fire into the England players’ bellies during the 90 minutes. If it had been allowed they might have played on with even less purpose. Which would not have been much purpose at all.

The FA. For an amateur organisation they seem to get paid an awful lot of money. Any fool knows that English football has been mismanaged for decades. The whole Capello contract saga was ridiculous, but to present any manager with a new contract on the eve of a major tournament is a ludicrous proposition, and will cost them dearly when they hand Fabio his P45.

Fabio Capello. Combats England’s lack of available talent by constructing a robust 4-5-1 system for the qualifiers. Then, for no apparent reason, goes 4-4-2 for the finals. He failed to instil confidence or ideas, made some baffling selection decisions, and refused to change things when they went wrong. Also, there were those pictures of him in his Speedos. Arrivederci Fabio.

The Players. Overpaid and under-enthusiastic. Maybe they would have played better if the FA hadn’t already arranged for their match fees to be donated to charity. The truth is that England doesn’t have as many world class players as it thinks it does. Many of those who shine in the Premier League flopped on the international stage. Several of them have done so for years. Prepare the tar and feathers for the ‘golden generation’. For three lions, read three words: ‘Not Good Enough’.

So that’s England’s World Cup over. Now we can sit back and enjoy the rest of the tournament unfettered by the spectre of disappointing underachievement. Then we’ll be back to proper home grown domestic football. And everything will be back to normal. Except for that bloke sitting next to you with a bloody vuvuzela. And there’s Frank Lampard! He was rubbish in the World Cup! BOOOOOOOOOOO!

Football England, World Cup

Spending the first two weeks of the World Cup in the USA was a fascinating experience, not least because America finally seems to be appreciating the beautiful game. On previous visits I’ve found pockets of fanatics in certain sports bars, and general indifference everywhere else. But, despite traditionally preferring its football to be played in helmets and shoulder pads, this summer the game they call soccer seemed to be everywhere.

It was on TV, in bars, on billboards, on T-shirts, and, crucially, in the minds of the public. Around ten years ago I wrote an article called The Round Ball Game, looking at how soccer had progressed in the US since the 94 World Cup and found that, despite creating the professional MLS and vastly improving its international team (one player I singled out was a 20-year-old Landon Donovan), the great American public didn’t really seem to care. In 2010 this really seems to have changed.

I started in California, where the time difference meant the World Cup constituted breakfast telly. (Every morning I woke up to the sound of vuvuzela…) The US coverage was provided by ESPN, with some key games being screened on ABC. And pretty good the coverage was, too. The team was very familiar, including commentators Martin Tyler and Ian Darke, and pundits Ruud Gullit, Roberto Martinez and, erm, Steve Mcmanaman.

There were also a few unlikely co-commentators popping up here and there (Efan Ekoku, Robbie Mustoe…), and that inimitable statistic-heavy lingo so representative of US sports seemed a bit out of place when applied to football. During the USA v England match we were informed that it was the fourth time in 17 matches that the US had allowed a goal in the first 15 minutes… or something equally banal.

But the broadcasters really did seem to be making an effort. The game was more often than not referred to as football, not ‘soccer’, and nil-nil draws were no longer ‘zero-zero ties’.

ESPN’s Sportscenter news programme regularly led with the World Cup, often ahead of the ongoing NBA finals, and the coverage also extended to network news bulletins, which provided round-ups and goals, and paid close attention to the US team’s fortunes.

The World Cup also seeped into US TV’s numerous ad breaks, with many companies using football to sell their products, and several of the ads we’ve seen over here airing over there, including Nike’s Rooney-in-a-caravan Write The Future campaign.

I was in Hollywood for the USA v England game, and ended up watching it in a bar full mostly of fellow tourists. The event was a bit of a damp squib but at least ESPN didn’t cut to an ad during Gerrard’s goal. Irate friends back home watching on ITV HD pointed out that I was the only one of them who saw the goal live, despite being an extra 5,000 miles away.

On a side note, almost every bar I went in during my trip broadcast sport in HD (and, unlike the majority of UK bars, in the proper aspect ratio). The first time I ever saw HD sport was in California a few years ago, and now it seems pretty much standard in the bars and hotels – hopefully a sign of things to come back in stoneage Blighty. ESPN also broadcast some World Cup games in 3D – something neither BBC or ITV managed over here.

Moving around California I was struck by the number of football shirts I saw – Brazilian fans with face paint and flags, Japanese fans with, well, cameras, obviously. Locals also seemed fascinated with the World Cup. Store greeters and people in elevators asked me about games. The guy behind the bulletproof window in a Santa Monica gas station said to me, wide-eyed and shaking his head in amazement, ‘Did you see Germany this morning, man? 4-0! 4-0! Incredible!’

Of course, that 4-0 win was a rarity during the early days of the competition in that it provided goals. I was worried that the general lack of excitement on offer might dampen American enthusiasm, but then I watched the NBA finals decider. It made the most lacklustre World Cup stalemate seem exciting.

By the time of England’s game against Algeria I was on the other side of the country in New York. This time I watched the match in a sports bar favoured by the US team’s Sam’s Army, and was surrounded by already inebriated American fans who took a fervent anti-England stance, and spent the build-up singing charming ditties such as ‘Freedom From Tyranny’. The US team had just come back from 2-0 down to draw 2-2, and free drinks promotions from both Magners and Miller only improved the atmosphere.

The chanting intensified during repeated showings of a jingoistic car ad depicting George Washington seeing off the pesky British army in a Dodge Challenger. I could deal with the chanting, but I must admit the whooping and high-fiving did start to grate. As it happens, the utter ineptitude of England’s performance soon wore the US fans down, and sheer boredom eventually caused them to shut up and drift away.

Outside, Times Square had been turned into a bit of a fan park, with racked seating, sponsors’ promotions, and all of the games shown on the many huge screens. The area was evacuated shortly after the England v Algeria match due to a jumper on an adjacent building. There was nothing to suggest it was a disgruntled England fan. (He didn’t jump, by the way, but it was an impressively efficient operation by the NYPD to clear thousands of people in a matter of minutes.)

Later, as we wandered through posh Greenwich Village, a group of lads in US team shirts burst out of a bar with a football and took turns kicking it at a lamppost across the street. You wouldn’t bat an eyelid at this sort of thing in the UK, but here it seemed symbolic of the general positive attitude of the Americans to the World Cup.

There’s no doubt this country is sports mad, but does it have room in its heart for ‘soccer’? If reaction to the US team’s qualification for the last 16 is anything to go by then the answer could be ‘yes’. It’ll be interesting to see how far the US can go, and how World Cup 2010 changes the country’s affection for to the greatest game of all.

Football USA, World Cup

I’ve no idea why Toy Story 3 doesn’t open until 23 July here in the UK, more than a month after the likes of China, Russia and Kazakhstan, but I was lucky enough to see it at the weekend in the fantastic Regal E-Walk movie “theater” in Times Square, New York, complete with medium Coke and popcorn that require two hands each to carry, and – ahem – 3D glasses. Yep, Toy Story 3 is presented in “Real 3D”. But fear not! The movie is a triumph, and, remarkably, Pixar actually seem to have cracked the 3D conundrum. Toy Story 3 may be the world’s first genuinely good 3D movie.

Having (sensibly) waited ten years to follow-up Toy Story 2, the creators now have a neat premise – Andy is 17 and off to college, and the toys, unplayed with for years, are bagged up for the attic. Unhappy with this prospect, they instead conspire to be donated to a kiddies’ daycare centre, which they imagine to be an idyll of happy, playful children. In fact, the daycare centre turns out to be something of a nightmare, and the toys plan an escape to return to their owner.

All of the key characters return, and there are also plenty of new ones, including Lotso the less-than-cuddly bear (Ned Beatty), Curb’s Jeff Garlin as Buttercup the Unicorn, and a hilarious turn from Michael Keaton as a camp-as-Christmas Ken doll.

The end titles (worth staying for) credit around 20 people with the story, and the collaborative process seems to have paid off. It’s sharp, lean and funny, even to a cynical bugger like me.

At 103 minutes, Toy Story 3 flies by and – in a rare occurrence for for a summer blockbuster – actually leaves the audience wanting more. If it’s not quite as good as 1 or 2, that’s only because the first two movies were so fantastic. Chapter 3 is preceded by a typically great Pixar short – Night & Day – so make sure you’re in your seat early.

I’ve previously blogged that 3D is an unwelcome distraction, but in Toy Story 3 that never becomes the case. It’s used subtly and effectively – there is no pointing and poking at the screen, no throwing things at the audience. Instead it’s a subtle effect that simply adds a little depth to the image.

Unlike in screenings of Avatar, not once did I notice anyone removing their 3D glasses in order to assess the 3D effect. The movie is never less than immersive, and I, for one, forgot I was wearing the glasses. (Also, the glasses serve as a useful disguise if you happen to get something in your eye during the moving finale…)

Mark Kermode has videoblogged on the subject, wondering whether watching Toy Story 3 would be every bit as involving in 2D. My opinion is that it would still be a fantastic and immersive movie, but I have to admit that in this case the 3D does seem to add something.

Of course, this is animation, and totally different from live action movies. I still cringe at the thought of 3D becoming the standard for every major film release. But, in the case of Toy Story 3, Pixar has proved that, used cleverly and in the context of a great film, 3D can actually be a positive thing in movies. I, for one, never expected that.

Film Toy Story 3