On Sunday the good ship Newcastle United was sunk with the loss of the hopes and dreams of tens of thousands of good souls. But there is no time for mourning. If the club is to avoid sliding further into the abyss, and ‘doing a Leeds United’, this is the time for swift, ruthless, angry action.
Today Alan Shearer will meet with Mike Ashley, and it is expected he will be offered a four-year contract to manage the club on a permanent basis. Last month I presented the Newcastle United Pie Chart of Blame. Ashley himself gobbled up a huge slice of that pie. Shearer has apportioned blame to Ashley and co, but he also jabbed an accusing finger in the overpaid, unfit, incompetent, uncaring faces of the players.
Over the last few months it has been abundantly clear that most of the players did not care if Newcastle were relegated. Several of them seemed to be under the misapprehension that relegation would offer an ideal opportunity for them to jump ship to a ‘big club’. Others seemed to have realised that they no longer have the legs for the Premier League, and relegation with Newcastle will allow them to extend their careers without taking a pay cut.
‘It’s what’s in the dressing room that hasn’t been good enough,’ Shearer said after Aston Villa easily tapped the final nail into the relegation coffin. If he does continue as manager, it must be hoped that there is a quick and thorough clearout of a squad that is scarcely suitable for Sunday League football never mind a Championship promotion push.
Here, then, is the Newcastle United Venn Diagram of Shame. Players are identified by squad number, and sorted by reasons of unsuitability for Premier League football. The bigger the typeface of the number, the more culpable the player. I’ve excused those younger squad members who have yet to make it into the first 11, leaving 25 footballers, 23 of whom fall into the ‘Not Good Enough’ category:
2. Fabricio Coliccini. Signed by Dennis Wise. Cost £10.3 million and earns £70,000 a week, and is an Argentinean international defender, despite not knowing which side of an attacking player to stand on. Stupid Sideshow Bob hair means he can’t head the ball. Makes Titus Bramble look like Bobby Moore. Sell, £4 million.
3. Jose Enrique. Signed by Sam Allardyce, cost £6.3 million and earns £50,000 a week. Started poorly, improved a lot, looks strong in one-to-ones, and likes to get forward. But always bloody injured. Sell, £2 million.
4. Kevin Nolan. Signed by Joe Kinnear / Dennis Wise. Cost £4 million and earns £50,000 a week. Disgracefully unfit, this guy has the turning circle of a bendy bus. Only 27, but, as Bolton fans knew very well, already finished as a footballer. How did a player who had become a laughing stock at Bolton over his last 18 months at the club warrant a £4 million price tag? How did he pass a medical? Who is his agent and what links does he have to decision makers at St James’ Park. Someone needs to take a very close look at this transfer. It stinks like Boumsong. Sell, £1 million.
6. Cacapa. Terrible defender, arrived on a free transfer because no one else wanted him, yet was offered 50 grand a week. Contract has expired, thankfully. Contract expired, free.
7. Joey Barton. A disgrace. Signed by Allardyce for £5.8 million, on £65,000 a week, barely played due to suspensions, and when he did play offered nothing but scraps. Should have been sacked over a year ago for repeated trouble making and law breaking, instead has been left to do nothing but bring shame to the black and white shirt. A horrible man. Sell, £1 million.
8. Danny Guthrie. Still 22, showed sparks of ability before being dumped out on the wing where he floundered. Could make an impact in the Championship as a possible replacement for Nicky Butt. Retain.
9. Obafemi Martins. Cost £10 million and earns £80,000 a week. Never gave a rat’s ass about Newcastle United, as demonstrated by his repeated failure to come back from international duty on time. Has great pace, but wastes chance after chance from close range. Will believe he will be rescued by a top flight club, possibly abroad, but isn’t good enough to command high wages anywhere else. Sell, £4 million.
10. Michael Owen. Cost £16 million and earns a disgraceful £115,000 a week. A sad, pale shadow of his former self, Owen’s latest run of injuries have finally finished this lad’s top-flight reputation and career. Never again will there be a debate when he is left out of an England squad – he will never play for his country again. A free agent, he would be best advised to ‘retire’ to the MLS. Contract expired, free.
11. Damien Duff. Cost £5 million, earns £70,000 a week. Showed willing in the last few weeks of the season, probably when he realised he will never again get the chance to play in the Premier League, but it was far too little, far too late. As slow as a boulder, he can no longer play as a winger, but Chelsea knew that four years ago. Sell, £1 million.
12. Sebastian Bassong. 20 years old, and United’s best player this season, apparently earning ‘only’ £5,000 a week. Too good for the championship and sadly will be poached by a top flight club. Reluctantly sell, £6 million.
13. Steve Harper. A good shot-stopper, but lack of first team experience during ‘the Shay Given years’ has shown. Reluctant to come for crosses, kicking is poor, and loves to tip catchable shots over the bar. Many fans would like to see 21-year-old reserve keeper Tim Krul start the Championship campaign, but Shearer’s 34-year-old golf partner will probably keep his berth. Retain.
15. Ignacio Gonzalez. Arrived on loan injured, remained injured, contributed nothing. Loan period now expired. So we paid his wages while he recuperated for another club. A baffling acquisition. Loan contract expired.
16. Ryan Taylor. Sunday League player signed on the basis that he managed to scored four goals in consecutive games against United for Wigan. No-one seemed to notice that he had only scored 6 goals in his entire Wigan career. Apparently a dead ball expert, he has so far failed to hit the target from a single free kick, or to bypass the first defender from a corner, while playing in black and white. Not good enough for the Championship. Sell, £1 million.
17. Alan Smith. Signed for £6 million, on £60,000 a week, and has so far cost the club more than half a million per game he has managed to play. Is he a striker or a midfielder? In truth, probably neither. When not injured, he spends most of his time on his backside. Legend has it that, before taking the helm at Newcastle, Alan Shearer made quite a bit of money by betting on Alan Smith to be booked in every game he played. No good, needs to be moved on. Sell, £1 million.
18. Jonas Gutierrez. Another Argentinean signed by Dennis Wise. Did Wise pick up Gutierrez and Coliccini on his way home at the airport in order to justify another club-sponsored trip to South America, in the way a holidaymaker might pick up a sombrero or bottle of tequila? Gutierrez is an attacking player who can’t score goals, can’t create them, has no pace, and is unable to put a cross in. Effort dwindled with Newcastle’s league position. He earns £60,000 a week. Sell, £1 million.
19. Xisco. The Dennis Wise signing that made Kevin Keegan snap – £5.8 million and £50,000 a week, and has made three appearances. Real name is Jimenez, just like Wise’s scouting cohort Tony, although surely that is a coincidence. Sell, £1 million.
20. Geremi. Signed by Allardyce on £60,000 a week, despite Sir Bobby Robson warning Allardyce that Jose Mourinho had told him Geremi’s legs had gone. Mourinho was right. This signing should be rammed down Allardyce’s throat every time he appears on TV pontificating on why United are in the position they are in. Virtually immobile, Geremi should retire. Unfortunately, he has another year left on his contract. Free transfer.
21. Habib Beye. A solid and versatile defender, and one of the few Toon players to offer ability and effort. Hampered by injury, and probably too good for the Championship. Reluctantly sell, £3 million.
22. Nicky Butt. Can’t be faulted for effort, but struggled in the second half of the season. May well be an expensive squad player next season on £50,000 a week, but his experience is likely to be valuable. Retain.
23. Shola Ameobi. Poor Shola has become a bit of a laughing stock, and his fragile confidence has been no match for the barracking of the boo boys. Unlike the previous managers, Shearer knows the lad – now 28 – isn’t good enough. Time to go, if a buyer is daft enough. Sell, £1 million.
24. Peter Lovenkrands. Showed plenty of effort, and might well be good enough for the Championship, although his short contract has expired. Probably worth re-signing for another year. Contract expired.
27. Steven Taylor. If only he was half as good as he thinks he is… But at least he has heart, and, with a cool head alongside him, could star in the Championship. Retain.
30. David Edgar. Has looked a decent defender when sighted, despite rarely getting the chance to operate in his favoured central position. Still learning his trade. Retain.
36. Mark Viduka. On £80,000 a week – some retirement plan for a man who has been perpetually injured. Great touch and finishing ability mean nothing when you are as immobile as Ayers Rock. Contract has expired, and he should fulfil his promise to return to Oz. Release.
39. Andy Carroll. A trier, and there will probably be a place for him in the Championship. Has already scored goals at football’s lower levels during loan periods, and his aerial ability might come in handy next season. Retain.
Taking the above actions would see just five players retained and bring in £27 million. Crucially, it would slash the club’s wage bill. Shearer – if he is to stay – would then be tasked with rebuilding the squad with younger, fitter, better players. Such a huge rebuilding job over one summer looks an impossible task, but few Newcastle fans will want to pay to watch the likes of Nolan, Smith, Geremi et al flounder in the Championship. The clearout starts today.
See the original Pie Chart of Blame, an assessment of Shearer’s Mission Impossible, a look at a club on the brink, why Shay Given’s departure meant United lost more than a keeper. My book, about supporting the Toon in happier times, is Black & White Army.
Football
Newcastle United
