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Archive for January, 2009

Booked! Football fiction that’s worth a read

January 13th, 2009

BookedDrama, danger, rivalry, romance, class, cash, courage, cowardice, heroes, villains, legends, landmarks, and a thrilling amount of unpredictability – at first glance it would appear that football contains all of the right ingredients and more for the creation of first-rate fiction. So why are there so few football novels on bookstore shelves, and why are there even less that are worth reading?

This week I received an email about a football novel I began writing a couple of years ago. It received some decent feedback from agents, but remains unpublished. It got me thinking that maybe I should polish the novel up and give it another push. It also got me thinking about football fiction in general.

Football non-fiction books regularly bother bestseller charts and literary prize shortlists. Yet the number of good football novels in existence can be counted on the toes of two left feet. With the beautiful game so enduringly popular this doesn’t seem to make sense.

Translating the thrilling unpredictability of any sport into fiction is undoubtedly quite a challenge, but there are scores of great novels about boxing, horse racing, even golf. American sports have been particularly well served by novelists, with Bernard Malamud’s baseball novel The Natural regarded as one of the best of the bunch. Of British sports, perhaps rugby league can claim to have inspired the best novel – the muddily realistic This Sporting Life by David Storey.

To clarify, when I talk about ‘football novels’ I mean novels where football and footballers are central to the plot. So I’m not counting the likes of John King’s Football Factory or Will Buckley’s The Man Who Hated Football, both of which feature the sport without really being about it.

I’m also going to neatly sidestep novels ‘co-authored’ by ex-footballers like Terry Venables (They Used To Play On Grass) and Pele (The World Cup Murder), and singly-authored by Steve Bruce (a trilogy – Striker!, Sweeper! and Defender! – starring Bruce’s cunningly-named murder-solving alter-ego ‘Steve Barnes’). So what’s left on the bookshelves?

The most obvious recent effort of note is David Peace’s excellent The Damned Utd, a fictionalised account of Brian Clough’s 44 days in charge of Leeds United. It’s a fine piece of work – probably my favourite novel from any genre of the last few years – although as a ‘dramatisation’ of real events I’m not sure it completely satisfies our need for made-up football action.

The Back Page, in Newcastle upon Tyne, is the now the largest sports bookshop in the world. In any given week it will sell hundreds of football books, but very few of them will be novels. ‘The only one people come in and ask for is The Damned Utd,’ says co-owner Mark Jensen. ‘I’m not sure whether football novels don’t sell well because not many are published, or whether not many are published because they don’t sell well.’

So there aren’t many good football novels about, but there are a few that every fan should have on their shelves. One is JL Carr’s 1975 effort, How Steeple Sinderby Wanderers Won The FA Cup. Although technically more novella than novel at just 150 pages long, it’s a charming tale of non-leaguers triumphing against very long odds, told in matter-of-fact style in the form of a club history. Carr was a former amateur footballer, and his novel feels wonderfully authentic.

Hunter Davies’s Striker, from 1992, is another good read, presented as the warts-and-all autobiography of Joe Swift, a flawed footballing genius who finds – then loses – fame and fortune via Spurs, England, and Europe. There is more than a hint of irony in the fact that Davies later ghosted Paul Gascoigne’s autobiographies. In the novel, Bobby Robson calls Joe Swift ‘daft as a brush’. ‘Yes,’ clarifies Swift, ‘he said that about me long before he said it about Gazza.’ My paperback copy of Striker has a Spot the Ball competition on the back, which only adds to the book’s appeal.

But my favourite, and perhaps the very best football novel, is a book published by Puffin and aimed at younger readers. Esteemed sportswriter Brian Glanville’s Goalkeepers Are Different, published in 1972, is the thoroughly convincing tale of the rise of young keeper Ronnie Blake. Like Striker, Goalkeepers Are Different is presented as an autobiography. Blake plays for fictional first division side Borough, but comes up against real opposition teams and players. It feels like an authentic glimpse into the life of a footballer in the early 70s, a boy’s own adventure set in an evocative world of studs, mud and sideburns.

Goalkeepers Are Different is fantastic, but it was written 35 years ago and is now out of print. Surely, writers, publishers and agents, there is room on our bookshelves for another great football novel or two?

If you want a taster of my football novel, Muddy Boots, there are some sample chapters posted at Authonomy.com.

Books, Football

A victory for Yesness

January 12th, 2009

Danny and the Champions of the WorldHere’s a gig review I wrote for the current issue of The Crack magazine. It’s also on their website.

Danny and the Champions of the World
The Cluny, Newcastle

Billed as a “Celebration of Yesness”, Danny George Wilson, formerly of fab Americana combo Grand Drive, brought his latest musical outfit back to the north-east following a cracking appearance at July’s SummerTyne. Freezing weather and forecasts of four inches of snow meant there were only around 40 people in attendance, but the sparse crowd couldn’t dent this band’s infectious enthusiasm. A permanently grinning Danny, looking unnervingly like Keith Lemon in a lumberjack shirt, held centre stage as his happy band of Champions swapped instruments, encouraged audience participation, and wandered around the venue playing trumpets. At one point there were nine musicians on stage – think an alt-country Polyphonic Spree – and with a bill boasting four support acts we were certainly getting value for money at a recession-busting six quid. Singles The Truest Kind and I Still Believe were set highlights, and the band also joyously jammed their way through takes on My Girl and Tracks of My Tears, before ending with a rousing version of The Band’s The Weight. A victory for Yesness.

Get the debut album on CD or download from Amazon.
Have a listen at Danny and the Champs’ MySpace page.

Music

The Happening: Day of the Triffids written by a five-year-old

January 2nd, 2009

The HappeningThe Happening: DVD Review

If you thought M Night Shyamalan couldn’t make a movie worse than Lady in the Water, or if you thought Mark Wahlberg couldn’t turn in a more risible performance than he did in Rockstar, then I’m here to tell you that you were plum wrong.

The Happening is a pompous, idiotic waste of celluloid that falls most definitely into the category: so bad it’s just plain bad. There has been a ‘Happening’, by which Shyamalan means plants are releasing airborne toxins that make people commit mass suicide. ‘Plants can talk to each other,’ someone with a beard explains. ‘Trees talk to bushes, bushes talk to grass.’ Imagine Day of the Triffids written by a five-year-old.

Wahlberg plays a science teacher (you can tell he’s a science teacher because he wears a tank top sweater), and, boy, is he bad? To be fair, he is woefully miscast, and is forced to deliver dialogue that would make George Lucas blush, but Wahlberg really is pushing hard for the much-contested accolade of Hollywood’s worst leading man. John Leguizamo and Zooey Deschanel (ruining the cred her recent indie-pop record afforded) also go down with this sinking ship. As for Shyamalan, who wrote and directed this gunk, his output has been in total freefall ever since the moment in Signs when the rubbish alien turned up.

The most annoying thing about The Happening is that Shyamalan clearly sees it as some sort of eco parable about us pesky humans getting our comeuppance for treating nature so horribly. It is such a cack-handed effort at persuading us to change our ways that it has precisely the opposite effect. So rev those engines, spray those aerosols, chuck your recyclables into a landfill. If we have to destroy the planet to stop M Night Shyamalan from making another rotten movie then that, good people of Earth, seems a very small price to pay.

1/10
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Film